Friday, March 23, 2007

You have a crush - and it's not your partner!

A co-worker recently presented us with this dilemma:

"A friend of mine is in a committed relationship, but is attracted to this other chick who's also in a committed relationship. All four know each other, and it's obvious when my friend is around them that he's nervous. What would you do? Try to hide it? 'Fess up?

"I told him to tell the other couple that he has a crush on the girl, but it's nothing more than that. But, don't tell his own partner because his girlfriend is jealous and wouldn't want them to hang out anymore."

Alisha: Quite the dilemma, and I bet it's one that comes up more often than we think - especially for those of us who tend to gravitate toward groups of people when we go out.
Deirdre: I agree. Whether you're in a committed relationship or not, you can't help who you're attracted to. It's whether you act on that attraction that makes the difference.
Alisha: Which means drinking around said attraction is a bad idea! That's when you might lose control of your actions. So the question is, try to hide it or should one fess up to his desires? What would you do?
Deirdre: I would ride it out. The thing about crushes is, they're transitory. They're often based in illusion, or what you think you know about a person. Once you get to know that person, whatever you found so beguiling in them often fades. Time crushes most crushes.
Alisha: I'm with you on this but for a different reason. If you're in a committed relationship, then you're just that - committed to each other. You shouldn't be macking on someone else. To notice one's beauty is one thing; to dream about being with a different partner crosses a big line.
Deirdre: Would you hide your attraction to someone else from your husband, or confess it?
Alisha: Confess it. Plus, there's a difference between admiring one's beauty and having a crush on someone. As a married person who is totally in love with my spouse, I'm not going to develop a crush. I am, however, open to fully admitting who I think is hot.
Deirdre: And your husband is OK with that? Does he do the same?
Alisha: Oh yeah! It's in our nature to notice if someone is attractive. Anyone who doesn't notice or stare at a gorgeous person is lying about it or totally kidding themselves.
Deirdre: Did you notice our co-worker suggested telling the other couple about the attraction, but not to tell the guy's own jealous girlfriend? What a way to imperil the friendship. And that chick is gonna want to cut somebody when she finds out -- and you KNOW she'll find out. If this is going to be discussed, it should be with one's partner, not the partner's friends.
Alisha: Your partner should be the first to know, no doubt about it.
Deirdre: However, I contend that if you know A) you have a harmless crush, no more, and B) such information will hurt your partner, why tell them?
Alisha: If it's truly harmless, what's the harm in telling?
Deirdre: Girl, you're being rational. Jealousy is an irrational emotion.
Deirdre: But I have to add that if your crush doesn't eventually go away, or you find yourself developing deeper feelings for that person, it's a warning sign that there may be a problem in your relationship. And that DOES need to be discussed.
Alisha: That's the point. There should be communication going on from the start. Your partner shouldn't be finding out you've developed crushes on people after months of drooling.

21 comments:

Anonymous said...

The girlfriend would be jealous if he said anything? Of course she would be! He's admitting that he hides stuff from her! Why wouldn't she be insecure and jealous?

Now do you think it's her or him that isn't being rational?

Anonymous said...

The guy with a crush should keep it to himself, and not say anything about it to anyone...it creates an awkwardness for the other couple, and if the girlfriend found out, she would be jealous. Nothing wrong with how you feel, you just don't act on it...and in this case, don't even talk about it. It's a case of what your girl doesn't know won't hurt her. I know I wouldn't want to know if my man had a crush on someone else I knew.

Anonymous said...

From a guys point of view a crush means sex possibiltiies. If she was willing we would bang bang and get it over with. No one has to know and you continue on with your partner. Dont' make it complicated when it doesn't have to be!!

Anonymous said...

I'm betting that the 2:33 poster is single and always wondering why he can't stay in a relationship.

Anonymous said...

No actually I have been very happily married for 9 years. And before you say it I keep it clean always wrap n strap!!

Anonymous said...

I'm seeing someone casually, but also "involved" with a married man. I'd really rather be with him and plan on telling his wife real soon. I'm don't think I want to be his dirty little secret anymore.

Anonymous said...

To anonymous 10:21 am: How are you going to feel when you tell his wife, and she forgives her husband, and he dumps you so they can "work on their marriage?" He's wrong to be cheating on his wife with you, but you're just as wrong for being involved with him. Both of you are in this together, and now you want to cause even more trouble...wouldn't it be better for you to walk away, and focus your energy on someone who wants only you in the first place, instead of someone who's playing you?

Anonymous said...

People should pray..and our heavenly father will guide you.

Anonymous said...

To the poster that is dating a married man--What do you think is going to happen when you tell his wife? More than likely she will work it out with him and then you are going to be the fool in the relationship. If she does leave him, what do you think he is going to do with you? Marry you and be faithful? Although you have probably already ruined several people's lives (espically if he had kids), I would suggest getting out now!

Anonymous said...

To the poster who is dating a married man:

Just wondering if when you think of the qualities you look for in someone to date, if you put "cheats on his spouse" high on the list.

So now you want to tell his wife so he'll leave her for you. Then what - do you expect this guy to be faithful to you??!! Not likely.

I won't even do a business deal with someone I know is cheating on their spouse. Because if they will do that to the person they are supposed to have the ultimate commitment to...then why would I trust them not to screw me over in a business dealing? Think about it and wise up.

Anonymous said...

If you are in a committed relationship, you should be faithful and love your partner truly.That's true love.

Anonymous said...

If you have a crush, it is more harm to tell than to keep it secret and try get over it. If conditions persist and you don't get over it...you could always try convince your partner into a 3sum or 4sum with them/their partner? :P

Anonymous said...

I think that having a crush on someone when you are in a committed relatioship is a tale-tell sign that you are not as happy as you think. And you certainly should not just "bang-bang" the woman/man just to get it out of your system. That is sick. While, I do think it is cruel to tell your significant other you have a crush on another, honesty is always the best policy. Just break up with them... for goodness sake!

Anonymous said...

I have a totally differnt topic, I think my partner has a crush on myex-roomate, I knew she was interested in him after I was in the relationship for more than 5 month, and I also knew he turned her down and I was the back-up plan.
I thought her crush was over until couple of weeks when we were out and she could not stop stearing at that person. Since that time our sexual life has not been the same... My question to the girls, if you were in her situation, do u still have feelings and regrets? or is it phase that she is passing through?

Anonymous said...

I have a girlfriend and we have been dating for a year now but I have a crush on a friend of mine. I love my girlfriend but something must be going wrong. Am I correct?

Anonymous said...

I've been happily married for nearly 7 years and I've have several crushes since then. I've never acted on any of them. Two of them were pretty serious and I admitted the first one to my husband. He figured out the other one for himself and I was too embarrassed to talk about it because the guy was WAY older than me and totally inappropriate. I adore my husband. I don't think there's anything wrong with our relationship and I don't want to leave him, EVER. But sometimes I just get these crushes. It's awkward and embarrassing but also fun and exciting. The main thing for me is not to let it go anywhere, not even to flirt. I just try to find a way to spend some time with the person I have a crush on - not too much, just some reasonable amount of time. If my feelings start getting out of hand then I just walk away from them before I do anything I'll regret. I don't think this is a sign that there's trouble with my marriage. The fact is that other people are still interesting and even exciting, even though my husband is really The One. The deep commitment I have to him is way beyond anything I've ever felt for anyone else, and I'd never do anything to screw that up. The fact is, occasionally fantasizing about being with other people is part of what keeps our relationship fresh. Is that unusual? I have no idea. I bet it isn't. Anyway, it seems harmless.

Anonymous said...

The poster from 5/13/10 is the reason why I hate relationships. And marriage is for fools.

No one can stay faithful. No one really wants to. This is the burden of our species- to love others while feeling obligated to another. To pine for something that is a fairy tale.

It's all so sickening. And for those who don't think so, wait till it happens to you.

Anonymous said...

"No one can stay faithful. No one really wants to. This is the burden of our species- to love others while feeling obligated to another. To pine for something that is a fairy tale.

It's all so sickening. And for those who don't think so, wait till it happens to you."

Amen...my thoughts exactly. And when it does happen, it will shake you to the core.

Anonymous said...

I am in a relationship and it's really not going good at all, infact, we haven't slept in the same bed for over a month. I have a huge crush on a really nice guy, but he is in a distant relationship.I want to tell him how I feel, but is it the right think to do? (note that I have it for this guy BAD and i need HELP!!)

Anonymous said...

i am now engaged to be married but i am having a crush on my part - time colleque and his brother.
i dont want a relationship from my collque but just a close and warm hug, kiss and a hot quicky sex in his office will make me feel rite.

when i look in his eyes there is this feeling of wildness coming out of me and cant control the feeling, i bet he feels the same.

he knows i am involved but dont know about him, all i want is a quicky.

Anonymous said...

My partner and I have been together just over a year and live in each others pockets. I recently found out she is crushing on another girl and being very secretive about it. Denying anything but as terrible as it sounds I've done my research as I wanted to know what I was dealing with and turns out she's been texting flirtatiously, deleting her texts after...going to the pubs she hangs out, always looking at her pictures on Facebook and becoming very glued to her phone, she won't leave it anywhere....what should I do? I cant confront her without her knowing I've been through her personal things? Help :-(