Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Ever been stood up?

Deirdre: Let's talk about something I think a lot of people can relate to: being stood up. From agreeing to meet friends at a bar and not showing up to totally whiffing when weekend plans have been made, it's just not a cool thing to do. And yet, people do it all the time.
Alisha: (Raises my hand) Count me in as one of the unlucky to be stood up. You're right - people do it all the time and they don't think twice about it. Did their mamas not teach them anything about respect?
Deirdre: I know, right?! I've been stood up as well, and it's a nasty feeling. You find yourself making all kinds of jacked-up excuses, like, "well, maybe he got in a car crash, or someone he knows got really sick, or there was a big, last-minute project at work and he didn't have time to pick up the phone."
Alisha: That's the thing. The person left alone, waiting, wondering, and working up to a stay of pissed-offedness shouldn't be the one making up excuses. How hard is it to tell someone you just aren't interested?
Deirdre: I think most people want to avoid confrontation at all costs. If they really aren't into a person, and yet they've allowed themselves to be roped into plans, then not showing up and not calling is a clear, final message of non-interest. It's cowardly, but effective.
Alisha: Effective at hurting feelings. Have the guts to be upfront and honest.
Deirdre: Word.
Alisha: I wonder if the whole online dating scene has cultivated more "stand-ups" because you might not be as invested in the relationship since it's just e-mail versus face-to-face interaction?
Deirdre: Oh, I'm sure it has. One of the reasons I'm anti-online dating is that it's so ephemeral -- people float in and out of each other's mental space. When there's no flesh-and-blood person to answer to, yeah, you're likely to flake. Also? I'm sure there are plenty of people who never want to take a relationship offline, and not showing up is a way to do that.
Alisha: Even though I'm a strong proponent of online dating, it does perpetuates the idea it's not "really" standing up someone because you never "met" them in the first place.
Deirdre: Hurts just as bad. Still just as rude.
Alisha: I'd like to know if people plan this or if it just happens. Are there adults out there who set up a date and then purposely say to themselves, "I'm so not going to meet him on Friday at 8 p.m."? I surely hope we grow more mature with age instead of setting out to hurt people on purpose.
Deirdre: Yeah. It's bad for the karma, too.


Mari said...

A long time ago when I was in college in Boston I was dating a guy and all semed to be going great. Had a formal dance which I asked him if he wanted to go to and he said he would love to go. So I paid for the tickets, new dress and shoes, etc. Week before the dance he vanished. Would not answer my calls, was told he could not take calls at work - nothing. Finally a mutual friend called his house and told his parents. They made him call me to apologize. It is still the worst night of my life. If he did'nt want to go then why say so? Why avoid me?

Painfull memory
Miami, FL

Anonymous said...

yeah it is easy to get stood up when you meet online

had a very brief fling once where more times than not a planned meeting didn't happen, we did have a few VERY enjoyable times though so it was worth it